One Year and Counting
by POIphantomgirl
Summary: Some times grief doesn't get easier to bare when memories always remind you.
1. Chapter 1

_This will be one of the few times I break the chain with my other stories. I had to make this post because I really wanted to put up something to remember Jocelyn Carter since this is the special month that many of us are remembering her character. It was written a while ago. _

Prologue

John tugged on the edges of his jacket ignoring the chill that whipped through the air. He watched Mr. Han make his next move demanding his body to ignore the weather conditions that would drive some into the shelter of the indoors.

"You are not your usual self today." Mr. Han remarked.

"I have a lot on my mind."

"It is her. Isn't it?"

John slightly tilted his head. "How did you know?"

"Losing someone of great value often results in such behavior. Especially when a woman is involved."

"She died…a little over a year ago." He cleared his throat. "She was killed. I held her in my arms while she died. She was a good friend. A good person."

"Why does her death still trouble you so?"

"I just hope she died knowing how much she meant to me."

"And what did she mean to you?"

John paused to consider how he could describe the depth of Joss's importance in his life. His eyes lowered to their game. "Let's just say, if my life were a chess board, she would be the queen. She had all the power and probably never even realized it."

Mr. Han smiled while John folded his hands. "A true queen indeed is a real treasure. And a great loss, but with time this pain too will ease."

John had to refrain from responding. He had heard such sympathetic words for over a year now and none of them had made Jocelyn Carter's death easier to bare. Although in his own way he had started to move on, but still the day she died still haunted him because a large part of him died with her.

John returned home to his apartment. He walked across the wooden floor to his large bed dropping his jacket onto the floor. Lowering himself to the bed's edge he removed his outer jacket. He reached over and slid open the drawer near his head board. Pulling out the photograph he stared into the beautiful face of Jocelyn Carter. One day in between numbers he had followed her around on her shift while still carrying his surveillance equipment he took a few pictures of her and kept them for himself. He couldn't resist. He was entranced by her that day. By every step she took and every expression that appeared on her face and he wanted something to remember her by. A way to look at her when he was alone and admire her beauty. Something he rarely allotted himself when he was in her presence.

He ran his finger over the picture admiring her beauty. Wishing he could see her in motion again. Again he felt heaviness weigh on his chest. Sighing John fell backward onto the bed and stared at his ceiling. He closed his eyes dreaming of visions of his Joss. Imaging her to be alive, vibrant, and determined. Just the way he remembered.

"I miss you Carter." He said to the empty room. "I miss you."

_I'm going to be honest I know this chapter is not very strong, but I had to post it because there are some important things in it. Thanks to Ravenhusker who told me about the 'queen' thing ;) I had to plug it in. Even though this isn't the strongest beginning I hope those of you who start the story stick with it. I don't intend for it to be very long at all. But I think it gets much better as it goes on and for what it's worth there's a lot about it I do like. But it's your call. _


	2. Chapter 2

Harold limped through the quiet graveyard ignoring the icy wind that brushed against his face. Bear walked silently next to him. Coming to the familiar lump in the ground he stood before the tombstone and stared down at the quiet lifeless structure.

Jocelyn Carter.

This is where they had to come if they wanted to see her in anyway. It is where her body rested. Harold swallowed staring down at the grass beneath his feet before his gaze returned to the tomb. He cleared his throat.

"You have been in my thoughts much on today Detective. I am amazed at all the things _I_ have wished I had told you while you were with us. You were a good friend. Dependable. Reliable. I only hope you died realizing how dear you were to the team. To John. And to me." He swallowed and took a step closer. Bear whined at his side lowering his body onto the ground he continued to whimper. "I am not certain if I ever expressed how greatly I appreciated what you did and sacrificed in order to help John and me with our mission. You were always willing to save lives. The world will never know how selfless you were to help people you never knew. Thank you. For being one of those people the world couldn't afford to lose. John was right." He muttered to himself. With a hand he softly brushed the top of the cold stone.

"You meant so much to John. I want to thank you for giving him the strength to want to go on. You may never have even known the power you had on him. But I saw it. You were his very conscience. I believe much of what he has done in this past year has been solely for you. I believe he has tried to continue what you started. To do his best to take your place in the world. And if I may say so, I greatly commend his efforts. You were a wonderful person Jocelyn." Staring down he lowered his voice to a whisper wishing if only for a moment she could hear him again. "He loved you. And he still does. I gave him a job. A mission. You reconnected him to this world."

Sighing he straightened his shoulders. Beside him Bear jumped on all four legs searching the graveyard.

"Hi, Finch."

Harold stiffened sucking in a sharp breath of frigid air while Bear began to park. The voice that called his name…. Slowly he turned. He came face to face with the women who he believed was buried beneath his feet. He felt unsteady. He tried to maintain his breathing. Was this a sick joke? What games was his mind playing? He clutched the headstone trying to bring steadiness back to his body.

Joss took the smallest step forward. She did not want to make Finch any more confused than she knew he already was. Tears streaked her brown cheeks and her eyes were wide. "This isn't a joke, Finch. I'm alive. I lived. No tricks, no deception. This wasn't to try to set you up."

Harold stood staring at her looking lost and confused, yet a gleam of hope and grief lay in his eyes behind his glasses. "Detective." He whispered. "How?"

Joss felt more tears in her eyes, but she fought them back. In desperation she began to explain. She hadn't meant to step out and surprise Harold, but she had to tell him the truth. After hearing his words she had to end both of their suffering. "In the hospital I started to breathe again, and the doctors refused to give up on me. When I came to they told me I was a fighter and they knew if they just gave me a little assistance I would pull through the rest of the way. But then I was told if I wanted to remain alive I had to go into hiding. For the sake of my kid. I knew then I'd have to hide if I wanted to protect you and John too. I hated having to do it Finch. Believe me. There were days I felt so guilty that I wished I just would have died on that sidewalk. I'm sorry."

Harold limped forward as she rambled on. He cut her abruptly off when he gently wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close. Carter was stunned. Finch said nothing only gave her a gentle hug. His cheek close to hers. Releasing a breath she returned the embrace her eyes closing as tears slipped down her cheeks. They stood there in their embrace neither one speaking for some time.

"I cannot begin to think of a word intelligent enough to describe the depth of how much you have been missed detective."

Joss squeezed Finch a little tighter leaning slightly on his shoulder. It had never felt so good to embrace a friend.

…..

Finch gave a small smile as they sat in his car, now shielded from the cold. "It's so good to see you Harold."

"You too, Jocelyn."

"So, how are you?"

"I'm well. _Detective_." He called her for old time sake.

She smiled.

"I have done well. Continued with my work. Have had to overcome some difficulties, but I've managed."

"And the team?"

"Detective Fusco is doing well and so is Ms. Shaw. We're steadily adjusting to working together."

From the back seat Bear licked her ear. She reached up and rubbed his ear. "I missed you too." Carter took a breath before she asked her next question. She looked into Harold's eyes. "Finch. How's my boy? Do you know how Taylor is?"

A look of sympathy crossed Harold's face. "He is fine Detective. You would be proud of him. He's preparing for college and already has been offered two scholarships." Pausing Finch reached into his coat pocket and pulled a picture out from his wallet. He handed the picture to Jocelyn. "This is him and his date for the senior homecoming dance."

Joss smiled at the photograph. Her boy had grown up into quite the young man. Boy, she had missed so much. He was so handsome. She couldn't believe Finch carried the picture with him.

"I managed to seize a copy of the picture. We like to keep it on us most of the time. Taylor has in his own way become our responsibility. We wanted to watch over him. Protect him the way we thought we had failed to protect you."

Joss gave him a watery smile as she looked back down at the picture. All this time her boy had been safe. Thank God, guardian angels were watching him. Harold….and John. "The girl is very pretty." She remarked. "Is he seeing her still? I mean are they going together?"

"I believe so. She seems like a very nice young lady."

Joss nodded. Lowering her hand to her lap her gaze shifted out the window. She took an unsteady breath trying to brace herself. Finally she turned back to Finch. "How's John?" Her voice was soft unsteady for she was barely able to say the man's name without completely breaking. She kept thinking about how he was there holding her securely in his arms as she drifted into that tunnel of death thinking she would never again see another day of life.

"He's better. He's had many struggles. He took your loss the hardest. I wasn't quite sure how to help him or even what to say to him. And just like that you're back… This is answer to his deepest hope. To _my_ deepest hope for him. I have always regretted how I could have done something to save his first love Jessica. But then when I failed to save you, I hated that I had failed him again. But you're here."

Reaching over Joss lay a hand over Harold's. "I _need _to see him." There was no question as to which he she was referring to. "I'm not sure he'll be glad to have me back once he realizes I've deceived him, but I have to try. But first, I need to see my boy. I owe Taylor that much."

"Say the word Detective and I'll take you to him."

She smiled. "Thank you."


	3. Chapter 3

_I keep forgetting to do this. No I don't own Person of Interest. Also thank you for the reviews. I've slow with responding but I want to say thank you. I've read them all. _

The moment her arms held her son, Jocelyn wanted to never let him go again. They stood weeping in each other's embrace. Both supporting the other's weight. Mother and son were finally together again. Being with her son heightened Carter's awareness of just how much she had longed for the child she had given birth to. They held each other for the longest until finally they separated. Although confused Taylor kept a loving arm around her shoulders. Once the initial shock wore off they talked. Just like old times. Joss waited and let Taylor tell her everything that had happened with him in the past year.

She hated hearing how much she had missed, but was grateful that Taylor showed no signs of being bitterly angry with her for missing one year of his life.

"I'm so proud of you."

Taylor smiled. "I know Mom. You've said that six times."

She chuckled. "Sorry. I just want you to know. I have a year of making up to do."

"So, does John know about you?"

Carter slowly shook her head. "Not yet."

"You should let him know."

"Why do you say that?" Joss's curiosity peaked. She wondered how much her son had seen of the man in the suit since her disappearance.

Taylor paused as if he was thinking on how to word something. "Hold on for sec." Jumping up he ran out the room. Joss heard him shuffling around in the distance. A few minutes later he returned holding something in his hand. He sat back down next to her. Unfolding the paper he moved in close so she could see. "I found this in the bottom of your jewelry box after you-" his voice caught. "Died." He said softly.

Joss's heart softened as she found herself staring at the picture she had taken of John and Jessica when they were in Mexico. She gently took it from Taylor.

"I recognized John immediately. I just couldn't get rid of it. I figured if you kept it hidden it must have meant something to you."

Joss did not reply.

"Who's the woman? Is that…his wife?"

She shook her head. "No. That was a woman from his past. She died before John and I met."

Taylor blew out a breath. "That's a relief. When I saw it I thought sure he was married and that she was his wife. I couldn't believe my mom had feelings for a married man."

Carter's head jerked up to look at her son.

"But now that I know he's single…it makes sense."

"Wait a minute Taylor you thought…?"

"Yeah. Well, I found it after you were gone and it was not like I could ask you what you were doing with it. Let's face it Mom you've never kept pictures of any one else you worked with. Honestly, in the past year, after seeing the picture, I thought maybe you and John had been having an affair."

Joss released a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Oh, Taylor. I would never do that."

"I know. But what was I supposed to think? I see this picture yet I had rarely seen the two of you together. But when I was in trouble he came to rescue me. Risking his life all because _you_ sent him. What guy goes through all that to save his coworker's kid? And then he told me he had been with you when you got shot that night. And he held you in his arms. He said it was his fault. You died trying to protect him. If he had done all that for you and you were willing to die for him I knew you both had to have feelings for each other."

Her son was correct in his conclusion, thankfully he had gotten the whole John being married part wrong.

"You do have feelings for him though?"

Taylor's question hung in the air bringing tension in the room. For some reason Joss found herself unwilling to fight being honest with her son. Closing her eyes she nodded.

"You should let him know Mom. About you being alive. He's missed you."

A tear slipped out of her eye and she quickly wiped it away.

"When I saw him after…he didn't look good. Even though he's looked better since, he needs to know. He needs you Mom."

She looked into her grown son amazed at what she was hearing. "You're okay with all this? With maybe something happening between me and John?"

He nodded and smiled. "It's what I've always wanted for you. Someone to have your back. So, go. Call him, go meet him, anything just tell him."

She gave her son a watery smile. Reaching over she wrapped her arms around him one more time and held him close. "I love you Taylor."


	4. Chapter 4

_I have tried not to keep those who are following waiting too long. So is this where John and Joss reunite. DRUMROLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!_

"You're ready then Detective?"

"I didn't say that Finch. I said it's time to see him." Joss corrected. "Whether I'm ready or not."

Finch nodded.

"I'm on my way now. Give me a fifteen minute head start and then tell him." With that Jocelyn headed out the door. Finch watched her exit. He waited for the duration of time Jocelyn had given him before he placed the call to John. "Mr. Reese."

He tapped his ear piece. "What is it Finch?"

"I need to send you on a location."

"Is this about a number?"

"No. It's more personal. Do you remember the morgue where you and Detective Carter hid out from HR?" Finch hated having to be so blunt, but he was trying to get to the point. If he kept going he could soon put an end to all of John's grief.

John stilled. Why was Finch bringing this up? He was doing okay today. Once again he was able to go through a day without his mind constantly on his last moments with Joss, or better yet any moment with her that sent him into missing her presence in his life. "What about it?" he ground out.

"I need you to go there."

John knew he could not handle that. Not yet. Not after all that had happened there.

As if hearing his thoughts Finch replied, "I know you don't want to go there Mr. Reese, but…I cannot tell you why only that Jocelyn Carter would want you to go. There is something there she would want you to see."

…

John stepped into the morgue, his gun drawn. His defenses immediately softened as his eyes assessed the place and quiet was his only answer. He lowered his gun and looked around. It was so different beholding this place in the day than in the night. No longer was he surrounded by fear or the thought that his next moment would be his last. It was different coming back here and knowing how that night ended.

He swallowed. Who would have thought that he would have chose here of all places, to bare his heart before Joss? He recalled that moment when he kissed her almost every day. As if to sharpen the memory he touched his lips.

Did she know how much he missed her? In the short time he was given to tell her did she really understand what she had done for him? How much she had changed him? And how deeply he cared for her?

He could only hope she did. Only hope that she died knowing she was not alone. Suddenly he sensed he was not alone. He shut his eyes releasing a breath. "Alright Finch. What is-?" turning he froze, his heart stopping his breath hitching in his throat.

Joss stood motionless as she stared back into John Reese's eyes. Those blue eyes. Just seeing him again, being in his presence, brought unbidden tears. They stood several feet a part just staring at each other. Acknowledging how unreal this felt.

They had once been so close. They had become good friends. In their own way they had become best friends. Then they were so suddenly ripped away from each other. Torn a part for a year's time. And now here they were. Standing together again. Brought together just as quickly as they had been ripped apart. It was more than even Jocelyn Carter could handle.

John wasn't sure he was breathing. Life wouldn't be so cruel as to torment him into thinking that Carter was alive only for him to be awakened by the reality that nothing had changed. That his detective was still six feet under, and leave him hoping that by some miracle she was finding comfort in her grave. He was only one man. There was only so much he could endure. He blinked but she remained there. But with careful movements she stepped toward him.

"John."

His eyes closed as the tears slid down his face. It had been so long since he had heard that voice. Opening his eyes, he forced himself to overcome his fear. He moved closer, reaching out he touched the side of her face with a trembling hand. The feel of human flesh beneath his fingers encouraged him. He stepped closer still, brining his other hand to the cup the right side of her face.

She stared up at him with glassy brown eyes. His steadfast gaze slowly roamed over her. His fingers stroked her beautiful brown soft skin. They brushed against her eyes, which she closed so he could freely do so. Joss relished n the feel of his fingers against her. His thumbs traced her jaw in a soothing manner. A tear crept our from beneath her lashes. John brushed it away as though it wore a mystical object, his eyes roving over her features in wonder. It felt like he was touching an angel.

Her eyes fluttered open and she watched John. She realized that his gaze was now resting lower. Joss's breath caught when his thumb softly caressed the flesh of her mouth. "I'm here, John." She assured quietly seeing the fear on his face. "I'm really here. I'm alive."

Those words gave him the assurance he needed and he forced down a breath along with the reality of her words before cupping the back of Jocelyn's head and crushing her against him. He laid a number of kisses to her head and temple as he held tightly onto her. "Joss," he said his voice coarse with emotion. "I've missed you so much." Again he kissed her head. "I didn't give up. I promise you. I kept my word," he said rubbing her back while still keeping her locked in his arms. "I checked on Taylor. Told him what you wanted me to. I watched over him the way I watched over you. I kept going. Kept helping Finch save lives, even thought I've felt dead inside. Every step I've taken, every life I've saved has been all for you."

Joss buried herself against John's chest crying full out now. Her heart cried out in pain for him and what he had gone through so much so that she physically hurt. She felt terrible. "John I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The words came out on a sob. She ran her hands up his back holding him close trying to comfort him.

John let tears fall unchecked down his face as he held Jocelyn. He was holding her. She was here close to his heart. His gaze wandered upward. Although he knew he was standing up on his feet he felt like a man who had been brought to his knees. "Thank you God." He whispered brokenly unable to believe God had showed compassion on a man like himself. Maybe someone else was watching over him. Why else would he be given this divine chance to be with the woman he thought was dead?

He leaned back slightly needing to look into her brown eyes again. Her hair was in a pony tail which was now messy because his embrace and her eyes were swollen, red, and still pouring out tears. Could the woman be any more beautiful?

Joss managed the tiniest smile as she stared at John. He was a sight for sore eyes. Hesitantly she reached trembling hand up to touch his damp cheeks. Immediately he increased the contact by leaning into the touch. A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes.

Suddenly she drew closer stretching her smaller body she lightly pulled his head down until a breath separated them. She felt John hold his breath the moment she hesitated then she closed the distance between them her hand laying on her collarbone giving her leverage yet drawing him closer. John was shocked. The touch making this all more real. His lips trembled beneath hers as he held back a sob. It only took a moment for him to realize this was more than a kiss. No, she was putting every regret and apology in this kiss. Although she did not utter a word John felt everything she had to say.

_John. I'm sorry. Sorry I left you when you needed me. Sorry I let you think _

_I was dead. Sorry I deprived us of a YEAR of being together._

_Oh John._ He heard her soft whimper and the kiss grew achingly tender.

_I have missed you. So much. There were so many lonely days and nights._

_Please forgive me. There's been no on else but you. I haven't thought of _

_any man the way I have you since I've been gone. _

_And John I'm not doing this out of guilt. I've waited for this moment_

_For three hundred and sixty five days, I've wanted this. This kiss is for you John._

_It is for you._

At that the shock wore off and he captured her jaw kissing her more fervently. Joss only returned his kiss with equal fervor. His facial hair scraping against her skin. She couldn't believe this. She was kissing him back. She should be explaining to him what had been going on with her over the past year. Not kissing him as if they were a couple that had just been reunited. They were not a couple. In spite of the one kiss they had shared nothing had officially changed between them. As far as she knew John had started to harbor feelings for someone else.

Finally John had enough sense and strength to pull away for which Carter was grateful. Joss immediately tucked her head under his chin and he held her for several moments in silence. Finally he pulled back his gaze latching onto hers. He was ready for answers. "Where have you been?"

When he asked the question Joss gave him the long detailed answer. They did not leave when she told him her story. Instead they stood for a while before sliding onto the floor as Joss finished. Then silence ensued between them. They sat on the floor side by side. John held tight to Carter's hand holding it in his over his bended knee. He refused to let go of her. He kept some kind of physical contact with her at every moment.

John appeared disillusioned staring straight ahead. She swallowed for the millionth time as she again questioned what she had done to this man. "John. I don't care if you're angry with me. I'd think it crazy if you weren't. Just please let it out. Yell at me, go off if you want. I won't blame you. You have every right. I deceived you. I was one of the few people you let in and then I did this. I'd get it."

Then John surprised her. The smirk he was so well-known for appeared. "I'm not angry. For once Joss don't be so stubborn. How can I be angry when I'm so glad you're alive." He reached for her hand and held it in both of his. Caressing the member of her body with his fingers. He brought it close kissing its back. He stroked her skin admiring its color. Did anyone have such a unique golden caramel complexion? If anyone did John hadn't noticed. But in Jocelyn Carter, John was certain God had created the perfect woman.

And now this woman had life again. She was warm. He remembered there were many cold nights that he had nearly driven himself to madness in his grief. He kept thinking about her body freezing in the cold ground and how he promised he would never leave her alone. It took everything within him to keep from going to her grave and digging her lifeless freezing body back up in order to warm it with his own. But such horrific thoughts did not have to haunt him any longer. Turning her hand over he brushed his lips against her palm.

Joss tried not shiver at the tenderness he showed her or at the way his beard tickled her palm. "I just cannot believe you're here. I don't have to hope this was all a bad dream. I don't have to pray any longer for relief from the pain of losing you."

Joss closed her eyes starting to cry again. "Don't cry Joss," he pleaded softly brushing her tears away. The action had the reverse affect making her cry more. It took several moments before she could find her voice. Yet even when she did she still sounded awful. "I'm sorry John. I'm so sorry."

He moved closer pulling her into his arms to sit against his side. She laid her head on his shoulder while he leaned against her. Enjoying giving her comfort and at the same moment receiving comfort. His detective was back.

"I may never let you go," John whispered kissing her head.

She chuckled wrapping her arm around his waist. "I hope you don't."


End file.
